In a grocery store a daughter grabs what she wants off the shelf while her mom attempts to “discuss” why she shouldn’t “want” six kinds of chocolate chip cookies. Mom couches her language so as not to “upset” her. Mary is used to getting what she wants so, any indication that Mom might not actually buy her all six boxes of cookies, is just unacceptable to her. Whining and complaining ensue and, in an attempt to appease her, Mom gives Mary the “choice” of taking all six boxes of cookies OR only getting 3 boxes, but allowing her to invite her friends over for a party on Saturday night. Mom wins this round, or does she? Let’s examine what just happened.

Mary never expected she’d get all six boxes of cookies. She just knows that every time she whines, Mom gives in and Mary gets something she wants. Mary isn’t evil, she just has learned to play her mother’s game. That’s why Mary whines, but why does Mom give in? It’s actually it’s in response to a new trend in parenting that says you must cultivate a relationship with your children by becoming their friends. But think about this in terms of your friends and see if it makes any sense there either.

Stacy asks Janet if she can come over today and fix her computer again. Stacy has come to expect that Janet will drop everything to help her. All of the previous six times Stacy asked, Janet dropped even the most urgent of personal tasks in order to help her. Unfortunately, Janet has several paying clients whose jobs are due tomorrow so Janet attempts to discuss this with Stacy. Stacy assures her it will only take her a short time and whines that if she were really her friend, she’d do this for her. Although Janet is beginning to feel used, she agrees to come right over out of fear that Stacy will no longer be her friend. This creates resentment in Janet and necessitates an “All Nighter” to get her paying clients work done when Stacy’s little problem is found to be a more time consuming issue. Further, it begins to affect their friendship because Janet cannot keep up with the expectation set for herself with Stacy. Eventually Stacy gets upset with Janet for not accommodating her and Janet feels frustrated and used.

Communicating out of fear is never a good thing for a friendship, but it can be potentially devastating to a mother/daughter relationship. God doesn’t call us to be our child’s friend and being a mom often means having to do or say things that our children don’t want to hear. What’s the danger in communicating to your daughter out of fear?

1. You may be afraid to say what needs to be said.

2. You may be tempted to say what needs to be said in a way that has no power.

3. You may be tempted to excuse bad behavior.

4. You will limit the lessons your daughter needs to learn.

5. You will set up expectations in your daughter that will not be met later in life or by others she encounters: friends, employers, etc.

6. Your daughter will not learn to accept or handle the disappointments of life that will inevitably come along.

I can tell you that there were many times in the 21 years I’ve been a mom that my kids have not liked me for something I said or did. Parenting is not about being liked. If you say what needs to be said in love and with respect, your children may not like it, but they will always respect you. It isn’t friendship that trains up a child in the way she should go; it’s respect. In parenting, liking is optional, respect isn’t. You can raise happy, healthy daughters if there are times when they don’t like what you said, but you cannot do so if there are times when they didn’t respect you for it!

I remember a time when my daughter asked my husband and I if a boy could take her to somewhere. We felt it was inappropriate for the two of them (at that age) to be alone in that particular situation. I explained to her that we trusted her, but that we didn’t feel comfortable in trusting this boy. She didn’t like our decision and was free to tell us (respectfully) how she felt. When all was said and done, she understood why we made the decision we did even though she didn’t agree with it. She respected us for the decision she didn’t like or agree with. That respect goes a very long way toward a close mother/daughter relationship through the years.

Always communicate to your daughter with honesty, integrity, respect and love so that, even when they don’t like what you have said, they will respect why you said it. Communicating out of fear or the misguided notion that it’s more important to be your daughter’s friend than her mom will lessen that respect and build expectations that reduce your effectiveness as a parent and cause even more friction in your relationship.

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication. Her Christian and humorous approach to communication skills has made her a sought after speaker. JoJo’s articles have appeared in various homeschool magazines and websites such as Dr. Laura.com. Her Say What You Mean curricula is endorsed by The Old Schoolhouse Magazine and her eBook, Say What You Mean When You’re in Business, has been used by direct sales leaders and small business owners alike. For more information, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

Our communications specialist, JoJo Tabares, has a Valentine gift for her newsletter subscribers entitled:  ”Expressions of Love: What Communicates Love?” 
In this booklet, topics that she covers include:

• What Doesn’t Show Love? 
  How Most People Show Love
• How Does Love Manifest itself?
• How Jesus Showed God’s Agape Love
• Thirty Ways to Communicate Your Love
• JoJoisms About Love
• Loving Words  

You can receive you copy by subscribing to her newsletter! She regularly makes such quality information available to her subscribers, so don’t miss out any longer!   Sign up here http://artofeloquence.com/pages/newsletters.php/

Here is a fun Valentine Day’s project that you can do with your daughter.

Together you can make these cute little treat boxes and fill them with some cookies, or other treats,  that you bake together.  Give them to neighbors, friends at church, favorite teachers, etc.  Show even your mail carrier some love! 

The pattern is included, and each box takes just one 8-1/2 x 11″  sheet of paper. Print it out on cardstock, and decorate with sequins, ribbons, buttons, glitter glue, etc.

instructions

valentines day gift bag

valentine’s day gift bag 2

A Vaccine to prevent Cervical Cancer?
Yes! As many of you know, “Human Papilloma Virus”, better known as “HPV” is the causative agent in most cases of cervical cancer. In 2006, “Gardisil” was licensed by the FDA to use in females, ages 9-26 years offering potential prevention of HPV and its associated conditions. In October of 2009, a second vaccine, “Cervarix” was approved for females, ages 10 – 25 years. What is the difference between the two? Let’s briefly review some facts about HPV.
HPV is a family of viruses spread through skin contact and is currently the most prevalent sexually transmitted infection. Recent estimates are that more than 70% of the population is infected, the highest rate being among young women. In an individual with a healthy immune status, most HPV infections will clear on it’s own within 2 years; persistent infection is the key to causing cell changes on the cervix. There are more than 100 different strains (types) of HPV, 40 of which infect the genital tract and 15 which cause cervical cancer. Type 16 and 18 cause 70% of cervical cancer and type 6 and 11 account for 90% of genital warts in both women and men. Gardisil is a ‘quadrivalent’ vaccine offering immunity for these 4 types and Cervarix is a bivalent vaccine protecting against HPV 16 and 18. There has also been some protection from other strains of HPV as well. Both of them require a series of three  (3) vaccines (shots) to be fully protected so receiving one shot is not adequate and is most effective when received before sexual activity. So far in follow up clinical trials, Gardisil has proved to be effective for 5 years and Cervarix for over 8 years.

While the HPV vaccine offers a way of prevention we cannot overlook the basics. Avoidance or reduction of exposure to HPV also needs to be incorporated in our practices: abstinence, later onset of sexual activity, limit number of sexual partners, always use condoms, screen for partner’s number of sexual partners, don’t smoke and maintain a healthy immunity with healthy eating, rest and exercise. Pap smears (screening for cervical cancer) should begin at 21 years old and continue every 1- 3 years depending on your risks and previous test results.

Valuing your body, taking charge and making informed decisions about your health is always the way to go!

The Parent’s Television Council, a non-partisan education organization advocating responsible entertainment, has released a new study that parents/caregivers should look into.  The name of the report: Tinseltown’s New Target: A study of Teen Female Sexualization on Primetime TV–and it examines teen female sexualization in the media.

Their  findings are deeply troubling: When underage female characters appear on screen:  more sexual content is depicted;  teen girls seldom showed a negative response to being sexualized;  more sexual incidents occur outside of any form of a committed relationship; and there is less accuracy in the TV content rating when teen girls are involved 
   
Some of their major findings include:  

• Underage female characters are shown participating in a higher percentage of sexual depictions compared to adults (47% and 29% respectively).
• Only 5% of the underage female characters communicated any form of dislike for being sexualized (excluding scenes depicting healthy sexuality).
• Out of all the sexualized female characters depicted in the underage and young adult category for the entire database, 86% were presented as only being of high school age.
• Seventy-five percent of shows that included sexualized underage female characters were shows that did not have an “S” descriptor to warn parents about the sexual content.
• Based upon a definition established by the American Psychological Association of “healthy” vs. “unhealthy” sexuality, the study findings show that 93% of the sexual incidents involving underage female characters occurred within a context that qualified as “unhealthy.”
• The data revealed that 98% of the sexual incidents involving underage female characters occurred outside of any form of a committed relationship.
• The data show that 73% of the underage sexualized incidents were presented in a humorous manner or as a punch line to a joke.

You can find the report  at  http://www.parentstv.org/FemaleSexualization/Study.htm

Does your daughter ever act bored with the “usual” activities that you both may do on weekends, or during your mother-daughter time? Especially “tweens” and teenagers, where it may take a lot to impress them or keep them excited about spending time with you.  Where’s here’s just a couple of quick ideas that can be easily adjusted to fit your budget.

What about a “staycation?” The urban dictionary defines a staycation as “A vacation spent close to home”. Why not try a day trip to a neighboring city that may have some attraction you haven’t seen yet? Maybe even choose a day spa, restaurant, or maybe a get a hotel for the night. This could provide a great bonding experience, and you can feel like you’re thousands of miles from home! What’s great is you won’t have the usual distractions from home. Perhaps another mother and her daughter might want to join you. Keep it intimate though, so you have that quiet time bond.

On a budget like most of us? What about a day of thrift store or antique shopping?  Start the day with a  nice breakfast at your place of choice (be it home or your favorite eatery), then designate a set amount of money you would like to spend. Although it may sound cliché, shopping together, away or close to home, can be a great bonding experience!  On that same budget note, a spa night at home can be just as satisfying. Designate a day, and block out some time, so you won’t be interrupted! You can try candles to set the mood; don some comfy robes. Lay out your supplies, and  give each other mani-pedi’s and maybe even foot massages! Conversation is always better when you’re relaxed, and tweens and teens are always more comfortable when they are doing something they enjoy.
These are just a few ideas that may draw a mother and daughter closer. With the busyness of work, school and extra-curricular activities, it’s tough to carve out the time. Make time! Your child will thank you for it later. You may learn something about your child that you don’t know, and vice versa.

Photographs of a child, which portray caring, nurturing, love, and success, are perfect to display in the child’s bedroom, the family room, and even on the refrigerator. These types of images are subconscious boosters to feelings of belonging, connectedness, and importance. Each member of a family, no matter the age, needs to feel they are a vital and important part of that unit.

So. what type of photographs are these and when should they be taken? It does go beyond pulling out the camera just for the usual special occasion, holiday, and event photos. With today’s popularity of digital cameras and camera phones, image-making can be more spontaneous, with relative ease in capturing and then downloading to a computer for printing.

Some of these image-making times include:

• Everyday life
• Field trips
• Family outings, events
• School events
• Photos of child involved in activities he/she enjoys
• Family photos
• Photos alone with parents, grandparents, other family members
• With friends, pets.
• Professional studio portraits

and the list goes on

The important thing, after creating the photos, is how use them strategically to help support a sense of belonging and self-confidence. This is where something like a “family wall” where individual and group photos of family members are displayed, are a couple of  grades above the occasionally perused collection of digital images residing on the computer hard drive.  We’ll cover more ways to use your personal photographs in coming segments.

Though the holidays are the most common times many think of serving through such opportunities as feeding the homeless for Thanksgiving and gathering gifts for disadvantaged children for Christmas–and these opportunities to serve should be taken–if you can find other times and opportunities to serve, that would more open up the world of service to your daughter and yourself.

See if you can find a cause that you both have a heart for, and even if you don’t what that is at this time, let her choose something she would like to be involved with and you take her lead. One place you can start your search for volunteer opportunities online at www.1-800-volunteer.org.

An organization, that I’ve had thepleasure to speak at, that offers mother/daughter charitable involvement is National Charity League. Their mission is to “foster mother-daughter relationships in a philanthropic organization committed to community service, leadership development and cultural experiences.” You can see if they have a chapter in your area by checking online at www.nationalcharityleague.org.

By:  JoJo Tabares

Listening is by far the most important communication skill in almost any given situation.  For mothers and daughters, it’s doubly so.  Why? First, I’d like to give you some insight into just how important listening is for everyday communication such as what mothers and daughters engage in. 
 
“1 speaker + 1 Listener = an effective communication equation.” 

In order for effective communication to take place, we need at least one listener. The most articulate person will have no success in communicating her thoughts if there isn’t at least one person who is truly listening.  Hearing isn’t listening.  If you have children, you’ll understand this.  Mary hears you, but she doesn’t understand what you’ve asked her to do.  She may have given the appropriate response, but she wasn’t really listening.  You know this because she eventually comes downstairs with her half empty hamper instead of unloading the dishwasher.
 
Hearing is when the individual recognizes that sound has left your lips.  Listening is when she comprehends what you’ve said.  True  communication is when she understands it the way you intended.  Mary not only empties the dishwasher, but she does it with a happy heart because she knows you were asking respectfully, though you had to yell up the stairs to get her attention because she was listening to the radio. 
 
“You will not persuade another by cutting off his argument. You will only stifle your understanding of how to answer him.”
 
It’s human nature to want to quell any dissenting opinion.  The need to be heard is quite strong which is why we have written the right of free speech into our Constitution.  But think a minute about the consequences of your right to bear words.  Hubert Humphrey said, “The right to free speech doesn’t automatically include the right to be taken seriously.”  I must add that the right to speak also doesn’t preclude the other’s right to disagree or take offense.  Once you have crossed the line of civility, your listener has the right to be offended. 

Remember what the Lord tells us in Proverbs 18:19, “An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of the citadel.”

Now, mothers and daughters bring in a whole new dynamic to the equation.  Here are a few reasons why:

1. Moms are busy:
Busy moms tend not to pay close attention to everything their daughters say, especially because daughters tend to be rather wordy.  Females of the pre-teen persuasion, tend to talk a LOT!  They can also talk quickly and at a higher pitch than what moms are comfortable with.  This sometimes inadvertently drives busy moms to tune out some of what their peppy daughters have to say, which brings us to problem #2. 

2. Daughters feel moms don’t listen:
Talkative daughters of busy moms may feel they don’t listen– which leads to another listening issue where daughters don’t listen.

3. Busy moms of unheard daughters feel that daughters don’t listen:
Busy moms may have noticed that they have had to tell their daughters several times to put their clothes away, make their beds or “No, they cannot attend the co-ed party.” 

4. Frustrated daughters may engage in selective hearing:
Listening may actually take place but only when it is consistent with the wants and needs of the daughter.  In this case, Mary hears that she can’t attend the party, but she may argue the meaning of the word “attend.”  If she shows up for only half the party, perhaps that isn’t considered attending.  Or maybe if she goes to the party but doesn’t enter the home, blah blah blah. 

5. Frustrated moms and daughters can develop a talent for what they call, “listening with your answer running.” 
This is where one or both parties are hearing the other but just enough to know when it becomes their turn to speak.  In the meanwhile, they bide their time thinking of the points they will make to the other. 

6. Frustrated daughters may then go into stealth mode:
Mary feels mom won’t listen to her, so she decides not even to try to discuss her feelings with mom.  This is when mom asks, “What’s the matter?” and the daughter answers, “Nothing!” 

For meaningful communication to take place, both mothers and daughters need to express themselves while the other listens.  Not hears- but really listens.  Mothers need to take the time to do some active listening. This means they need to pay attention not only to the words  their daughters use, but their nonverbal communication, as well to read between the lines.  Daughters need to take the time to express themselves in a way that their moms can understand.  They need to speak up and trust that their moms will listen and then they also need to sit and listen to their moms and realize that their moms have something of value to share as well. 

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication.  Her Christian and humorous approach to communication skills has made her a sought after speaker.  JoJo’s articles have appeared in various homeschool magazines and websites such as Dr. Laura.com.  Her Say What You Mean curricula is endorsed by The Old Schoolhouse Magazine and her eBook, Say What You Mean When You’re in Business, has been used by direct sales leaders and small business owners alike.  For more information, please visit http://www.artofeloquence.com/

It’s great to have a  holiday where we  actually take a day and collectively, as a nation, remember with thankfulness those things we are blessed with.

 And going beyond that, there are simple things that can be done on a regular basis to nurture gratitude in our children.  Here’s a couple of things that are easy to implement:

• If you haven’t already, you yourself start a gratitude journal where you list 5-10 things you are thankful for each day.  Share at least one of the things from your list, daily with your daughter and other family members.
• Have your daughter keep her own daily  gratitude journal where she will list at least 5 things she’s thankful for.
• Make expressing gratitude a part of your family’s daily routine.  For example, at the dinner table, have each one share something they are grateful for that day.
• When in the midst of difficult times or a difficult situation, make it a point to find something to express gratitude for in the midst of it.   This does not lessen the seriousness of the situation, but shows an attitude of finding some light in the midst of darkness