Mar 01 2011
They Don’t Need Another Friend; They Need a Mom!
By JoJo Tabares
In a grocery store a daughter grabs what she wants off the shelf while her mom attempts to “discuss” why she shouldn’t “want” six kinds of chocolate chip cookies. Mom couches her language so as not to “upset” her. Mary is used to getting what she wants so, any indication that Mom might not actually buy her all six boxes of cookies, is just unacceptable to her. Whining and complaining ensue and, in an attempt to appease her, Mom gives Mary the “choice” of taking all six boxes of cookies OR only getting 3 boxes, but allowing her to invite her friends over for a party on Saturday night. Mom wins this round, or does she? Let’s examine what just happened.
Mary never expected she’d get all six boxes of cookies. She just knows that every time she whines, Mom gives in and Mary gets something she wants. Mary isn’t evil, she just has learned to play her mother’s game. That’s why Mary whines, but why does Mom give in? It’s actually it’s in response to a new trend in parenting that says you must cultivate a relationship with your children by becoming their friends. But think about this in terms of your friends and see if it makes any sense there either.
Stacy asks Janet if she can come over today and fix her computer again. Stacy has come to expect that Janet will drop everything to help her. All of the previous six times Stacy asked, Janet dropped even the most urgent of personal tasks in order to help her. Unfortunately, Janet has several paying clients whose jobs are due tomorrow so Janet attempts to discuss this with Stacy. Stacy assures her it will only take her a short time and whines that if she were really her friend, she’d do this for her. Although Janet is beginning to feel used, she agrees to come right over out of fear that Stacy will no longer be her friend. This creates resentment in Janet and necessitates an “All Nighter” to get her paying clients work done when Stacy’s little problem is found to be a more time consuming issue. Further, it begins to affect their friendship because Janet cannot keep up with the expectation set for herself with Stacy. Eventually Stacy gets upset with Janet for not accommodating her and Janet feels frustrated and used.
Communicating out of fear is never a good thing for a friendship, but it can be potentially devastating to a mother/daughter relationship. God doesn’t call us to be our child’s friend and being a mom often means having to do or say things that our children don’t want to hear. What’s the danger in communicating to your daughter out of fear?
1. You may be afraid to say what needs to be said.
2. You may be tempted to say what needs to be said in a way that has no power.
3. You may be tempted to excuse bad behavior.
4. You will limit the lessons your daughter needs to learn.
5. You will set up expectations in your daughter that will not be met later in life or by others she encounters: friends, employers, etc.
6. Your daughter will not learn to accept or handle the disappointments of life that will inevitably come along.
I can tell you that there were many times in the 21 years I’ve been a mom that my kids have not liked me for something I said or did. Parenting is not about being liked. If you say what needs to be said in love and with respect, your children may not like it, but they will always respect you. It isn’t friendship that trains up a child in the way she should go; it’s respect. In parenting, liking is optional, respect isn’t. You can raise happy, healthy daughters if there are times when they don’t like what you said, but you cannot do so if there are times when they didn’t respect you for it!
I remember a time when my daughter asked my husband and I if a boy could take her to somewhere. We felt it was inappropriate for the two of them (at that age) to be alone in that particular situation. I explained to her that we trusted her, but that we didn’t feel comfortable in trusting this boy. She didn’t like our decision and was free to tell us (respectfully) how she felt. When all was said and done, she understood why we made the decision we did even though she didn’t agree with it. She respected us for the decision she didn’t like or agree with. That respect goes a very long way toward a close mother/daughter relationship through the years.
Always communicate to your daughter with honesty, integrity, respect and love so that, even when they don’t like what you have said, they will respect why you said it. Communicating out of fear or the misguided notion that it’s more important to be your daughter’s friend than her mom will lessen that respect and build expectations that reduce your effectiveness as a parent and cause even more friction in your relationship.
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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication. Her Christian and humorous approach to communication skills has made her a sought after speaker. JoJo’s articles have appeared in various homeschool magazines and websites such as Dr. Laura.com. Her Say What You Mean curricula is endorsed by The Old Schoolhouse Magazine and her eBook, Say What You Mean When You’re in Business, has been used by direct sales leaders and small business owners alike. For more information, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com