Girl Nurture – Girl Talk

By:  JoJo Tabares

Listening is by far the most important communication skill in almost any given situation.  For mothers and daughters, it’s doubly so.  Why? First, I’d like to give you some insight into just how important listening is for everyday communication such as what mothers and daughters engage in. 
 
“1 speaker + 1 Listener = an effective communication equation.” 

In order for effective communication to take place, we need at least one listener. The most articulate person will have no success in communicating her thoughts if there isn’t at least one person who is truly listening.  Hearing isn’t listening.  If you have children, you’ll understand this.  Mary hears you, but she doesn’t understand what you’ve asked her to do.  She may have given the appropriate response, but she wasn’t really listening.  You know this because she eventually comes downstairs with her half empty hamper instead of unloading the dishwasher.
 
Hearing is when the individual recognizes that sound has left your lips.  Listening is when she comprehends what you’ve said.  True  communication is when she understands it the way you intended.  Mary not only empties the dishwasher, but she does it with a happy heart because she knows you were asking respectfully, though you had to yell up the stairs to get her attention because she was listening to the radio. 
 
“You will not persuade another by cutting off his argument. You will only stifle your understanding of how to answer him.”
 
It’s human nature to want to quell any dissenting opinion.  The need to be heard is quite strong which is why we have written the right of free speech into our Constitution.  But think a minute about the consequences of your right to bear words.  Hubert Humphrey said, “The right to free speech doesn’t automatically include the right to be taken seriously.”  I must add that the right to speak also doesn’t preclude the other’s right to disagree or take offense.  Once you have crossed the line of civility, your listener has the right to be offended. 

Remember what the Lord tells us in Proverbs 18:19, “An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of the citadel.”

Now, mothers and daughters bring in a whole new dynamic to the equation.  Here are a few reasons why:

1. Moms are busy:
Busy moms tend not to pay close attention to everything their daughters say, especially because daughters tend to be rather wordy.  Females of the pre-teen persuasion, tend to talk a LOT!  They can also talk quickly and at a higher pitch than what moms are comfortable with.  This sometimes inadvertently drives busy moms to tune out some of what their peppy daughters have to say, which brings us to problem #2. 

2. Daughters feel moms don’t listen:
Talkative daughters of busy moms may feel they don’t listen– which leads to another listening issue where daughters don’t listen.

3. Busy moms of unheard daughters feel that daughters don’t listen:
Busy moms may have noticed that they have had to tell their daughters several times to put their clothes away, make their beds or “No, they cannot attend the co-ed party.” 

4. Frustrated daughters may engage in selective hearing:
Listening may actually take place but only when it is consistent with the wants and needs of the daughter.  In this case, Mary hears that she can’t attend the party, but she may argue the meaning of the word “attend.”  If she shows up for only half the party, perhaps that isn’t considered attending.  Or maybe if she goes to the party but doesn’t enter the home, blah blah blah. 

5. Frustrated moms and daughters can develop a talent for what they call, “listening with your answer running.” 
This is where one or both parties are hearing the other but just enough to know when it becomes their turn to speak.  In the meanwhile, they bide their time thinking of the points they will make to the other. 

6. Frustrated daughters may then go into stealth mode:
Mary feels mom won’t listen to her, so she decides not even to try to discuss her feelings with mom.  This is when mom asks, “What’s the matter?” and the daughter answers, “Nothing!” 

For meaningful communication to take place, both mothers and daughters need to express themselves while the other listens.  Not hears- but really listens.  Mothers need to take the time to do some active listening. This means they need to pay attention not only to the words  their daughters use, but their nonverbal communication, as well to read between the lines.  Daughters need to take the time to express themselves in a way that their moms can understand.  They need to speak up and trust that their moms will listen and then they also need to sit and listen to their moms and realize that their moms have something of value to share as well. 

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication.  Her Christian and humorous approach to communication skills has made her a sought after speaker.  JoJo’s articles have appeared in various homeschool magazines and websites such as Dr. Laura.com.  Her Say What You Mean curricula is endorsed by The Old Schoolhouse Magazine and her eBook, Say What You Mean When You’re in Business, has been used by direct sales leaders and small business owners alike.  For more information, please visit http://www.artofeloquence.com/

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